Tonight
I am sitting here watching two grown men play football on xbox. This may not be significant to anyone but me, but for this reason it’s huge…I have nothing on my schedule. This lack of a calendar is frequenting my daily routine much more often than I am use to. About a month ago this was the opposite of what I was used to. Every single day I would have tons, too much, on my plate. Filling my life with little task, errands, chores, work in effort to avoid certain problem areas of my life. Avoiding, something I am so good at, something I have mastered.
Mastered to a big capital T! To fill my day with so much, so that, I didn’t have to pay attention to my deep hurts and disappointments. As a mother, this is easy to do. Concentrating on the kids can easily book any available time. On the advice of my counselor and some friends, who had pointed out that maybe, possibly I may be doing to much. This was foreign to me, I felt good to accomplish each item on my list. I loved being busy, I felt important.
Well here I am, nothing…but I feel good about it. I might take up journaling, as in recording all my thoughts, emotions, feelings. I hate to journal, something to do with fear of finding what might have been hidden, buried, deep down inside. Afraid that what ever is there, might be scarier than what you already know. Digging up all the gunk from years past and even recently. For me, it is so easy to stuff, except, or live with hurt, disappointment. I can take a put down, I can literally reach out grab it and place it in my heart because somewhere I have heard it before and I have taken it as truth.
Twice in my life I have heard that I am “fake”...well ok. I can so easily believe that, especially after hearing it a second time. I want to change…I don’t want to believe that I am this word. This word that cuts so deeply. Someone actually question WHO I am. I can not easily defend, because during some painful years I had lost my core. Pain can do that, scare so deeply that it blinds you from your soul. I am determined to change and to believe that I am better than what I believe.
Today a friend suggested that I not skip step 2 or 3 anymore but to buckle down and plow through hurt and anger. She suggested journaling to help me identify some root causes. Like I said, scary.
Change…change is good.
Commentary
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On August 17, 2009 Vivian said...
I think the word “fake” is sort of a cop out. I mean, what does that even mean? Does it mean that the other persons felt duped and has nothing to do with you (taking responsibility for their own feelings)? Does it mean you talk behind people’s backs (big fat “no”, at least not in a gossipy way)? Does it mean you are appear one way on the outside but are a different way on the inside (possibly, but one could argue it differently…)?
From what I know about you, it is not that you try to put up a front (my best understanding of being a “fake person”), but that when things are going on that you don’t know how to deal with, you process it internally rather than verbally. Me? I’m verbal most of the time. I work out my troubles by sharing (vomiting) all over my closest friends, lol. You aren’t like that, and that could be your God given personality. Who is to say that is wrong? And who is to say you can’t make mistakes? And make amends? And move on?
You are doing so good with clearing your schedule to get a little introspective. It shows a tremendous amount of maturity, and I’m sure your family is SO benefitting from the change of pace.
Love ya, girl. -
On August 17, 2009 Vivian said...
P.S. You are SO caught bailing on my invite to a 3 hour epic Bollywood romance with a bottle of Cab Sauv in exchange for watching two men play xbox. Lame, I tell you. ;) ;) ;)
Wanna use your rain check tonight?